Like getting married, becoming a parent is seen as a beautiful, fulfilling journey, and many buy into this idea until they experience a different reality.

While getting pregnant and having children are met with celebration, both from the to-be parents and their family and friends, the process of keeping the children alive, feeding, clothing and creating a safe space for them to become their own person, can turn out many different ways and reveal many sides of a parent.

I recently learned that some parents regret having children.

I find it hard to understand as a father, yet I empathise with parents who regret being parents.

I found a group on social media dedicated to parents who regret having kids. At first, I was shocked and a bit horrified.

How could anyone regret something as important as having a child? I hoped reading people’s stories would help me understand, so I read and tried to understand those parents’ stories.

It worked. I started seeing things from their perspective.

Some of these parents were tricked into parenting by their partners, others were surprised at the unfolding that happens after you do something as unpredictable as raising a new person. Then some were weighed down by the unexpectedness of having children, the exhaustion, anxiety, and guilt.

Regretting becoming a parent is a sensitive topic and stayed on my mind long after I read the forum’s thread.

Society tells us that parenthood is the most important and fulfilling role in one’s life. Admitting that you regret this role can feel like a betrayal of your children, society’s expectations and even yourself. Many regretful parents hide their feelings because they fear judgment from friends, family, or even themselves.

Online forums where parents can share their thoughts anonymously offer a rare opportunity to speak openly without fear about such a taboo topic.

In one post, a mother wrote, “I regretted becoming a mother the moment my baby was placed on my chest. I felt anxious and knew that I had made a mistake.”

I am not sure how she knew this immediately, but I guess she knew because, at the time of posting the comment, her child was a teenager. She wrote that if she had not given her child to its grandmother, they both would not have survived. She still didn’t want to be a mother.

Another parent shared how their child’s mental health issues destroyed their marriage. Nothing prepared the couple for taking care of a special needs child. The care overtook their lives and desire to have more children. Then it overtook the marriage, too.

The stories made me realise that regretful parenting is not only about the absence of love. Some of these parents cared deeply for their children. Their regret is tied to the overwhelming challenges of raising a child.